2 Hour Pain

8 – I just talked to Cassandra for 2 days.  It ended an extremely frustrated day for me…in an amazing way.

Twice today at work I was attacked personally.  It was extraordinarily hurtful and frustrating because in neither situation was I in the wrong.  I felt so belittled and…rejected by it.  It was so hurtful.  I had to mask my hurt with anger.

Later in the day I found out that the townhouse I have a contract on, the one I am supposed to move into on the 23rd of November, the one I’ve been waiting months for…appraised for $15,000 less than what I bid for it.  What that means, is that I can’t get my loan to get the house. 

Early Morning Secrets

7 (technically 8 ) – I was woken up this morning around 3am by a phone call.  It was Cassandra.  She is the only reason I keep my phone ringer on at night.  A long time ago I promised her if we were ever apart, I would have my ringer on so she could call me, and more than once she has taken advantage of that.

Since everything happened last weekend (it feels like decades), she has apparently had a number of unsavory men approach her.  It’s led her to a lot of questioning and a lot of decisions to drown out the pain.  She kept questioning, “Why am I being punished?  What is wrong with me, that these men are attracted to me?”  My answer, of course, was, “You are not being punished,” and, “There is nothing wrong with you.”  Both statements being true.

I didn’t know what else to do.  I am part of the problem. 

Rejected by “Man’s Best Friend”

6 (technically 7) – I almost missed my post tonight.  When I got home, I was so entranced by David Bromstad and HGTV’s “Color Splash: Miami” that I ended up spending the entire night looking at design ideas for the new townhome I hope to close on later this month.

The towmhome brings about very mixed feelings.  You see, I began looking for a place to buy after a buddy of mine began to look for a place to buy in a more expensive place than I live.  I make more money than him, so I started to think, “If he is looking at buying a place, maybe I can get a place where I want to live for a pretty inexpensive amount.”  Sure enough, I found a place that was pretty good, and it was almost as cheap as the rent on my basement.

That is when Cassandra stepped back into my life.  This was in the middle of summer, and I was dating another woman.  She heard of it, and in the middle of her plan to strengthen herself away from me, she diverted her path to prevent herself from losing me to another woman. 

TGIF???

5 – Today has been a very mixed bag emotionally.  Let us examine:

• I couldn’t get much sleep last night, as evidenced by my post so late (btw – I just updated my time settings, so the last two posts are in jumbled order, sorry), so I was dead tired this morning.
• On my first phone call the prospect loved me, but my partner basically threw me under the bus.
• The middle of the day was good.  Just kind of happened, and I got to destress a bit.
• Then I found out my partner threw me under the bus internally.
• I felt better when I talked to my boss and found out I was being given more responsibility.
• But my pay was going to be more dependent on selling, and thus, scarier for me.
• The end of the day finished with some good emails and phone calls and general happiness after leaving early.
• Until I realized I had nowhere to go home to…only accentuated by stopping by my apartment (where I no longer live) to pick up my shoes and a game that Cassandra left outside the door.

$100 for Drugs but no more Tweets

4 – It has been almost 48 hours since my last post, yet it is still only day 4.  It feels like months since my last post.  When I was writing my last post I had hope.  My wife and I had just had a good conversation, and I had hope that maybe, one day, we could make things work.  The thought of being apart for so long was painful, but she said she loved me.

I doubt she’ll ever say that again.  The love in her words was undeniable, even though they were riddled with pain, when we we messaged on Google Chat for so long two nights ago.  Last night…there was just pain.

I had dropped by, like I had planned to and told her, to drop off money so she could have food and to pick up a few items so I could stay away for longer.  She was supposed to be at work, but she was at home.  I didn’t know what to do.  We had such a good conversation, and part of me thought maybe, just maybe, I’ll knock…she’ll open the door…we’ll look down at the floor…I’ll say “I love you, Cassandra,” and then we’ll look up at each other, give each other a hug and start crying.